Tag: living with bipolar

Thursday, September 13th, 2012

Bipolar And Some Days

Everyone has those days. Everyone. Whether you suffer from bipolar disorder or not.

It seems though that those of us who have it those days come more often then we would like.

Myself, I’m having one of those days. Getting out of bed was a struggle and truth be told I’m still in my clothes from going to bed last night. I know part of my problem is the horrible side effects I am getting from my lamictal. It’s making my dreams increasingly vivid, and well that may not seem like a bad thing, when all you’re getting is nightmares and terrors, it’s a downright horrible thing.

I could do without waking half a dozen or more times a night sweating, heart racing and never wanting to return to sleep because of the dreams. I could do without sleeping 10 hours a night to wake up the next day feeling more tired then I did when I went to bed. But I’m getting side tracked.

Some days are harder than others. For those of us properly medicated it may not be that bad, or they may not come as often as before but they are definately there. And they can ruin anything you’re trying to do in life.

Here’s some suggestions to help deal with those days:

Get out of bed. This may be completely difficult on those days but it’s important. Get yourself out of bed, even if you’re not doing anything at all that day. Staying in bed wallowing in the pain and depression will get you no where.

Eat something. Anything. Those days make it wicked hard to want to eat anything but your body needs energy, it needs food or else you’ll end up feeling even more drained.

Now that you’re out of bed and eaten something, do not allow yourself to return to bed till it is actually night, this can be difficult, especially if you don’t work and are home all day, but it will only suck you back in.

Now find something to do. Anything. Check Facebook, call a friend, go for a walk, do something you normally love to do. (For me I force myself to start writing, anything) Simply get out there and do something.

By now you should be a little less trapped in one of those days, and a little more ready to go on with life.

This isn’t easy, I won’t lie. But the more you practice doing it, the better you’ll get at it.

Living with bipolar disorder may never be simple or easy but you can be proactive in your fight and show it that it doesn’t have all the control over your life and world.

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Tuesday, September 11th, 2012

Blank Screens

Blank screens and white sheets of paper normally drive me a bit batty, but today more so than other days. You see 3 months ago exactly, at almost this exact moment I was downing handfuls of pills in an effort to take my own life.

Writing today is vital to me. I need to. I have to. And so the blank screen bothers me more than ever. I need to write. I need to put my thoughts down. Vocalize the thoughts in my head as a permanant reminder of that which I did. A reminder that even in the darkest of moments, I don’t want to go back there.

In three months I’ve come a long way. There have been moments when I was afraid I would succumb to that evil power again. The voice that tells me to end it all.

Not even a week ago now I was sure I was to end back in the hospital. Crushing stress hit me. The biggest fight I have ever had with my mother. A fight that tried to push me over the edge again, a fight that left me screaming in the middle of a busy road. A fight that will forever alter any sort of relationship I may have had with my mother. A fight that means the woman who gave birth to me will no longer have a place in my life or my childrens. And the saddest fact of all is that she will now watch everyday as my children walk past her home on the way to school and never be close enough to them to be the grandmother she should have been. She will miss out on their birthdays. She will miss their triumphs and struggles. And I’m alright with that.

The one thing that stopped me from calling the ambulance right then and there in the middle of the road was my beautiful children. She had already threatened to remove them from me, take them away from my world, and if I took my life, or submitted myself to the hospital she would’ve won. She would’ve caused me to¬† go overboard, and I was not alright with that.

Instead I decided to draw on every ounce of strength that I have gained in these three months and be proactive and fight for my children, for my life.

So on the anniversary of a dark moment, I can be thankful for that moment and what it has taught me about myself. I can be strong when I need to be. I can overcome adversity. I have people in my life that love me and care about me. And just because someone has the same blood running in their veins does not mean that they need to have a place in your life.

And my resolve is that I will never fall victim to that voice again. My children need their mother. I need to show them that just because people have weaknesses and struggles does not mean they actually are weak. In our darkest moments everyone has the power to take back control and regain their strength. So once again, I am thankful for that day in June and all it has taught me in the months after it.

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Saturday, May 5th, 2012

Bipolar Syndrome And Seasonal Cycling

I’m a rapid cycler, very rapid at times. (Rapid cyclers have more than 4 cycles per year of depression and mania) Other times I will hold onto my current mood for months to years on end. My longest manic cycle was in and around 2 years! Other times they hold onto me for 2 weeks to a month. One thing I’ve noticed though since charting my moods, is that weather plays a big role in my cycles.

When the weather is nice, warm and sunny you’re more apt to find me in a manic state be it mild or otherwise. When the weather is cold and harsh, as it is today I fall into the darkness of depression. I’m not the biggest fan on going outside but when it’s cold and snowing out, I don’t want to do anything. I prefer even the mild mania that comes with having the windows wide open, the sun shining in and the warm summer breeze blowing through the house.

I try to regulate my moods as much as possible on those dark days with the help of light therapy, which is my friend through the cold winter months. And I spend that time wishing for the warmth of the sun on my skin, the heat of the summer, and simply lying out in the yard absorbing all the beautifulness that is summer.

Watching the way my moods cycle in my mood chart shows me, and proves to me that seasons play a role in my bipolar syndrome, a big one. Of course I do my best to alter those cycles. I cannot spend 6 months of the year locked in my home, depressed and unable to get out of bed, but having the natural seasons help keep me elevated at least 6 or so months a year does helps break some of those dark unescapable slumps. Some days, yes, I would prefer the ability to regulate my moods simply by my own will power and not by the weather and seasons decisions, but other days I do give in and welcome the sun to lighten my mood.

Bipolar syndrome can and will always be a struggle in my life, but I have come to learn and accept as much as I can about it and know, as does my support group, that when the snow falls I need extra help, and when the sunshines, I need to be watched for progression into mania. Till I either overcome being bipolar or the seasons stop changing all I can do is accept that I have bipolar syndrome and am a seasonal cycler.

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